I had a brand new experience last night. Of dropping a Pepsi bottle right in the middle of the room and the content going WHOOSH all over the floor, okay, not all over, but say three fifth of it. I should have taken a photo of it. This sort of description only goes well with visual evidence; no one believes word of mouth any more.
Pepsi is a funny thing. Apparently some dude somewhere boiled or did a similar shit to it. And what he got was some thick tar-like viscous weirdass object that none of us would want to taste even if paid for it. I am not going to link or hyperlink to the video or anything. I heard it from the mouth of a friend and I believed, particularly after what happened last night. One should try to find it in Youtube. All these visual evidence type stuff are to be found there.
As soon as I dropped the bottle the fluid, like a gigantic dark red amoeba, filled the space with its random vicious limbs. I wiped it once, I wiped it twice, I wiped it five times at a row, each time after the previous wipe dried up. When the floor was equally sticky as it was before, I started wiping right along the map of the semi-transparent trajectory of what was supposed to be a soft drink but resembled a hard glue, and systematically invaded inside, to no avail. Then I gave up and asked my mother what to do and she said, she didn’t know jesus that kind of horsecrap never happened to her. So she asked our maid, who without even thinking promptly said, I should wipe it well with some soap water.
That was a great idea. Just that I did not have any soap. For, like a month or so.
Today morning I asked a security guard who works at our hostel to kindly ask, if he would please, one of the sweepers to kindly clean my room, if she would please, please. But the staff here are free souls you see, which is a great thing, shows us oppressive bourgeoisie Indian middle class bastards a thing or two. It does. So I went out in the evening and bought some detergent powder. What other kinds of soaps are there? Oh yes, floor cleaners. But this is like, the end of the month, and floor cleaners…come on. I also needed a mop, which I did not have, but you do not get mops out here, not within the radius of a kilometer of this place. Beyond one kilometer, yes, but not within. And come on, a mop too now?!
So I finished the cleaning and it sort of looks okay now, though I cannot be sure if it is indeed okay or just that I got used to the stickiness somewhat.
Mate, Macha, here is a recipe for you Bro:
Recipe For A Brand New Experience Regarding Pepsi
- Some money
- A floor
- A bottle of beer in a fridge that you forgot about
- A cellphone
- A piece of clothing of your ex-partner that you kept for the smell but then just forgot about it because all of it happened so long time back
- A bottle-opener
- A hard-bound thick book on your bed
- A table lamp
- A tube-light
- Your laptop
- A movie in your laptop
- A sink
- A pair of scissors
- A bucket
- A jobless caller that you do not want to talk to
- One powerful leg
- A mop
- Any kind of soap, to start with
- A maid who might actually do your dirty work
Buy a bottle of Pepsi and some chicken with a part of some money for dinner since you figure that you are too depressed to cook, though in reality a) you are feeling too lazy, b) the burger at lunch had too much cheese, c) you are already too fat for your own good and do not really have an appetite and 4) you are suffering from Gas.
Keep the table lamp on and keep the tube-thing off since you cannot tolerate harsh light and it is not even clear to you which moron for what reason planted one in your room. Keep the open Pepsi bottle on the thick hard-bound book on your bed (and the chicken-bowl directly on the bedspread) while watching the movie in your laptop. Keep your cellphone on so that you get a call in a few minutes from that totally jobless piece of shit that you have no intention to talk to. MAKE SURE THE CALL COMES BEFORE YOU FINISH EATING AND DRINKING.
Once it comes, get up from your laptop, get down from the bed, walk to the sink, wash your hands, because you have been using them directly for holding the chicken pieces and you are secretly but fruitlessly disgusted at yourself for having eaten the flesh of a once-alive beast right on your bed and there is no way you would pollute your cellphone with the juice of the same.
By the time you come back the caller gives up since you momentarily forget about not having any soap and spend some time searching for it. But you are not disheartened. Remember that you did not want to talk to that son of a bitch anyway.
Get onto the bed MAKING SURE that you kick the Pepsi bottle with your powerful leg so that it drops on the floor.
Buy some soap (detergent powder will do) with the rest of that money. Mix it with water in the bucket. Since you strictly do not have a mop, take out the piece of clothing that belonged to your ex-partner, cut it in two with the pair of scissors since it is very difficult to tear it at the seams just with your hands. NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT REALLY SMELL OF ANYTHING ANY MORE. Wipe the semi-transparent graphics created by the Pepsi on the floor, no wait, first curse the goddamned lamp because you cannot really see a thing and then put the tube-light on. Now everything is as clear as the daylight, or more. Use one of the two pieces of clothing for mopping using the soap water created by you only.
Wipe till bored.
Keep the bucket aside. Switch the tube-light off. The table lamp was on all this while anyway. Take the bottle-opener and the beer bottle out of the fridge unmindfully. Open the bottle and drink from it. Beer never tasted so good before. Wonder why you did not drink the beer last night itself instead of buying that damn Pepsi.
Once the bottle is over, you are left with one piece of clothing smelling of Surf Excell and another of none.